I looked outside myself for creation. I asked for answers to uncover what others said they truly wanted. For those who answered over the months - thank you, to know what you need, what you desire has a purpose. - I invite you to ask yourself how you can align with what you want, how can you heal yourself? How can you rewrite your stories? How can you reclaim control and be the navigator of your wishes, intentions and desires?
For a while I created from a place of wanting to know what others wanted from me and it didn't work out. Asking for answers outside myself was not wrong, it simply wasn't the place or direction that has served me well in the past. In other words it was not my Muse or where my creative fire ignites to roaring. So now I'm re-membering my power and calling her back. This is the power that caused me to create Gutsy Girl in the first place. It is the power that caused me to create Sacred Circle Leadership. A program and project which tapped into heal a very deep wound of mine.
For over 12 months now, I have had conversations and exchanged emails with women, including past graduates, clients and friends about wounding. I set an intention to write about this wounding last year, but whenever I would go to the pain place, it hurt too much and I couldn't undertake the journey when I was already fatigued and requiring deep rest. I knew that this story was for another time when I felt it would be most needed and I truly feel that time is now.
This wound, I'm sure you know it on some level: The Sisterhood Wound.
Before I dive into the story, I will preface this with a trigger warning. If you have endured abuse, assault, have symptoms of depression as a result of such things or have PTSD (like I do), you might wish to stop reading now. However if you do want to understand how I used this Wound as fuel to create something of beauty that helped to heal this place within me, I invite you to read on with strength and courage.
For many of us this Wound began with our mothers, but that's not what I'm here to talk about with you today. I want to share the link between The Sisterhood Wound, my adolescent trauma and why Sacred Circle Leadership came from this Wounding.
Does it feel uncomfortable to see the word in title case, as though it is a defined term written into our life’s contract? Sister, it doesn’t give it power to have it written this way. This is my way of acknowledging both myself and a pain that I have carried for a very long time, and one you may have also. I brushed it aside like it was nothing, like I was nothing. And I know from the heart place that I create from and the deep soulwork I have done and continue to do, that we are more than enough. We are someone. We are light, dark and golden and all of who we are and what we are and why we are is sacred.
I have shared this story before but I omitted something that lay dormant in me for a long time. Over the past 10 years or so I had the same recurring nightmare. One of being trapped, terrified, paralysed and unable to make a sound. For half of those years I wasn’t sure what it meant, all I knew was that I was very afraid and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t speak or scream. I was silenced.
One morning around 5 years ago, I woke up and realised that I had not completely shared this with my loved ones. They knew snippets, but not the whole story. I skimmed over it because I thought it was nothing. The denials we grant ourselves can hurt us. I got out of bed and went to my laptop and started to type what happened to me when I was 14 years old, when I was held down by 2 16 year old boys who were friends with my then best friend’s boyfriend, and assaulted. My best friend didn’t come to my aid and her boyfriend looked on.
I had my husband read it, my best friend and another (who I thought) close friend. My husband and BFF were supportive and have done so much to listen and help me over time. I point out here that I still find it difficult to ask for anything and this was a very rare occasion. The other friend, well, she’s out of the picture. In just a few words she ended our friendship for good. I had been a support, a rock, a listener to her through some stressful stuff and for the first time I asked her to listen. She told me that she was not my counsellor. And so, in the time of dealing with the original Wound, another arose…
For many years what was burned into my mind was the feeling of being restrained and held by my wrists (something which is a big no no today) and touched without my consent (also a big no no). I was terrified, humiliated and the boys laughed. I was helpless and my friend did nothing. For many years a big part of me held deep distrust of the masculine (through shitty relationships) until I met someone truly wonderful who is now my husband and the father of my 11 year old daughter. For many years I consciously forgot that I was wounded because a sister abandoned me.
Despite ‘forgetting’ this trauma, it shaped me and on another level affected my relationships with other women. For many years I had no close female friends, after a string of close friends departed one by one either for one reason on another, by letting me down or hurting me in some way. I became ruthless with how many times I would allow someone to hurt me. I was cautious about who I allowed to get close to me. I was always seeking though, seeking to make friends at work, through my interests, at my daughter’s school, in the community. I was trying in spite of being hurt. A deeper part of me felt that sisterhood was important and necessary.
A few years ago when I was dealing with and attempting to heal from the Wound, I was in contact with my former adolescent best friend. We had never spoken about it after it happened in the 90’s. I told her how that day had affected my whole life, my relationships, how everyone else who was there walked away unscathed whereas I did not. She asked me if I blamed her and I said I was hurt by how she did nothing to help me in what was a very wrong situation. She apologised, but I know that she still didn’t comprehend the magnitude of my suffering as a result of her inaction. Today, it is what I most remember, her just standing there. How could a friend be so cold?
During the past 5 years of creating Gutsy Girl while reclaiming, re-membering and strengthening my inner Gutsy Girl I became aware of how my work has sought to heal this Wound. First with becoming a Desire Map Facilitator, undertaking Gabby Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie Masterclass and then creating my own workshop and Gutsy Gatherings which became women’s circles: I had a calling to heal the sisterhood by creating a sisterhood and teaching other women to be empowered to create theirs forming the spirals of sisterhood. It became clearer to me when I wrote the curriculum and launched for the first time. I finally read the book The Millionth Circle and realised that I had been answering a call that women all around the world were opening up to. I hadn’t read about sacred circles until that time and that was exactly what I had been creating in my own way with Gutsy Gatherings.
This is how I knew that the work was powerful and came from my heart place. I did so without asking. I did so without taking a poll or survey. I did so because I was drawn to it. I did so because as a Highly Sensitive Empath, my best work comes from feeling what is needed and not asking for what is needed. I lost that sense for a while when I looked outside myself and now, I am going within and it will be deeper than before.
I am re-writing my story as I have woken to knowing that The Sisterhood Wound exists for many of us, and my calling is to heal, write and teach from those places that sometimes we think we can’t recover from. I am living proof that once we re-member who we truly are, we can heal ourselves, assist others to heal and create a new kind of sisterhood. One that is built upon connection, vulnerability, bravery, compassion and limitless possibilities for each and every one of us.
I give thanks and bow deeply to each and every woman who has answered her calling, who has sent me messages of thanks, support and encouragement, to each of the women who have trusted me to be their guide and to each woman who is doing everything she can to heal herself. The work is meant to be done, it is part of the greater web of life.
Sacred Circle Leadership is for women who want to reclaim, empower and shine their light. It is both a personal journey and one to walk with other women to heal the Wound. We can do it together. This I know for sure.
This will be one of my last posts as I am taking a sabbatical and closing my website and blog at the start of July. I’m not sure how long at this stage. I will plan a rebirth of my website to focus on what I truly want to create from my heart place. I will be connecting more truthfully with fierce devotion (my chosen phrase for 2017), deepening my priestesshood and supporting the women in Sacred Circle Leadership. You can join us.
Hello, I'm Sharyn: Founder of of Gutsy Girl and Gutsy Girls Will Rule The World. I am the Creatrix of Sacred Circle Leadership Training and Gutsy Mantras.
Get to know me on my About page.
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